Bullet proof

A bloke named MJ Tordon was driving back from his kampung, his sister sitting next to him in the passenger seat. Now, this MJ Tordon chap thinks of himself as a music expert, and would spend hours & hours of time researching the most obscure of bands on the planet and casually name drops a few when being engaged in a conversation with others.

MJ Tordon: Yeah, Joy Division is alright but they're not half as good as XXXXX (insert obscure "cool" band name here - example The Frizzy Zombies of Makasar Experience in 30 Seconds to Hell)

And he'll be all smug and shit upon seeing other people's blank, confused reaction to what he said.

MJ Tordon: (Yeah, fuck you biatch! I'm waaay cooler than you, haha)

Anyways, on the drive back home MJ Tordon's sister tuned the radio to some Malay station. MJ Tordon is not a fan of Malay music at all. In fact, he looks down on anyone singing in Malay, as if it were something that is terribly embarrassing, and reckons that people would be better off killing themselves than being caught playing lagu Melayu.

MJ Tordon: What the hell? Lagu apa ni? Ntah apa apa. Jiwang karat.

MJ Tordon's sister: Whatever. Lantak kau lah.

MJ Tordon: Ni lagu apa pulak ni? Kalis peluru? Apa jadah? Nak gi war against terrorism ke lagu kalis peluru?

MJ Tordon's sister: Kalis Rindu lah, idiot.


P/S: Of course, the real MJ Tordon is not an idiot at all. Far from it. In fact the real MJ Tordon is actually Dr. MJ Tordon, he is of Russian/Serbian descent and teaches the subject Computer Science (or something like that, I don't really remember).

Tak percaya? Google him up.


Hmm.. where do I begin?

Street demonstrations are the in-thing right now. It's so cool even lawyers are doing it. But I'm sure you're thinking, "Hmm... I want to jump on this demonstration bandwagon, but I don't know how...". Well, boys & girls, here's how:

Firstly, you need to apply for a permit, which is kind of useless since it will definitely be denied, but it doesn't matter since you'll be on the streets protesting anyway. And then the police will come and throw a bit of tear gas at you, but as a first rate protester, you won't let this bother you.

No, not at all. Instead, you heroically pick up the tear gas bomb and throw it back to the "hanya menurut perintah" gentleman while shouting "Bersih-kan parlimen!" or "Hindraf-kan kerajaan!" or whatever the fuck you say when you hurl tear gas at cops. And then you get caught. Al-Jazeera of course will be there, capturing every minute of your moment of glory on video, broadcast the footage on TV and even YouTube and then hey, you're famous. Then, some old geezer who runs the ministry of TV would shout at Al-Jazeera blokes (or lasses), accusing them of unfair, biased reporting while the lady on the other side calmly asks "But why was the assembly illegal, sir?".

I'll tell you why. Ini bukan budaya kita! And you show footage of some random riot overseas and repeatedly flash the preachy-ish message of INI BUKAN BUDAYA KITA, probably hoping that your viewers have the same idiotic view as you do. Of course it's not our bloody budaya, it's not even anyone's budaya for fuck's sake. As if there are countries who actually think riots & demonstrations embrace & enrich their culture. Are you seriously retarded?

Musa Hitam shares the same view. Or do I share the same view as the Moose? Ok, I stole his ideas... but still, its so bloody obvious that you just can't disagree with the man.

The End.



I haven't been updating the blog for a long while, not because I lack ideas, but more of lacking the motivation to write, period. I am experiencing difficulties in converting ideas into words, much less proper, grammatically correct sentences. Not in English or Melayu.



I'm not a big fan of Nazri Aziz. He looks a bit "un-smart". Same goes to Zainudin Maidin, Said MP Jasin, MP Jerai and all those other wankers.
I was about to add Khir Toyo to the list but then he scored MAJOR points by handing out brooms to idiots. So he's cool. For now.

And oh, corridors are getting old already. Plus, they don't sound very intelligent in the first place pun.


Za Altera

Whatever you do, please don't go to Za Altera, especially the outlet at The Curve.
They're atrociously incompetent and unprofessional.

I'd tell them "Can you please go away & have sex?" if I were a nice, polite bloke, but since I'm not, and I'm also pissed (but not drunk), I'd like to give a huge FUCK OFF to them.

Have a good day.


This is a silent film

This is a silent film in Bahasa Melayu.

Bloke: (Eh, ada Mat Rempit kena langgar!!)

Orang ramai mengerumuni tempat kejadian.
Seekor rempit sedang berdarah terbaring di tepi jalan.

Bloke: (Aku perlu tolong saudara rempit tersebut!!)

Bloke pun cuba menolong. Tolong tengok saja lah sebab Bloke tak pandai merawat orang sakit.
Ada orang sudah telefon ambulance probably.

Bloke: (Kasihan!!)

Tiba tiba seorang gadis bertudung ayu datang untuk melihat keadaan mangsa. Gadis duduk dekat Bloke.

Gadis: (Kasihan!!)

Bloke: (Ayunya gadis ini!!)

Gadis: (Bloke? Saya malu!!)

Ambulance akhirnya datang, Gadis pun berambus.

Bloke: (Ohh... she's gone!!)

Gadis balik rumah syampu rambut. Gatal.

Gadis rupa-rupanya doktor.

Gadis jumpa lagi Bloke kat hospital.

Bloke still melihat keadaan si Rempit.

Gadis: (Bloke!!)

Bloke: (Gadis!!)

Gadis: (I love you!!)

Bloke: (I love you!!)



Selamat Hari Raya

It's not too late for me to wish Selamat Hari Raya to everyone.

Maaf Zahir Batin. And I really mean it too, it's not just a figure of speech.
Sorry for anything I said or wrote that might have offended anyone, sorry for the immature, sometimes distasteful - often unfunny jokes, sorry for the swearing, sorry for the un-replied text messages/emails, sorry for the misspelt words & wrong grammar and sorry for everything else.

P/s: I like Raya period. All the girls look nice in their baju kurung.

P/s #2: The Angkasawan thing is getting LAME.


What you really think

Are your opinions REALLY yours?
How much of what you think, how you feel or what you stand up for actually originate from your own thoughts?
How sure are you that you're not just recycling other people's ideas, or worse; re-phrasing and disguising them as your own?
If so, then really, how much do you actually think?
Are we just agreeing to certain beliefs and notions just because someone else believes in them?
Are the thoughts that we present and tell people merely rehashed ideas and opinions from others?
Have we been reading too much on the Internet, watching too much TV without actually stopping for a while to consider how we really feel about everything?

What do you think?


Can you please go away and have sex?

Or probably you're more familiar with:



So Long, Jose

The "Special One" has finally left Stamford Bridge. A real big loss, not only for Chelsea but also for the whole league.
The arrival of Mourinho onto the scene had taught me that Jose is not necessarily pronounced "Ho-se", sometimes it's pronounced exactly how it is spelt. (spelt? or spelled?)

Mourinho would probably be a boss that I'd like to work under. He doesn't give a shit about anything else apart from his work, doesn't take bullshit from his boss (or anyone else for that matter), speaks his mind, extremely focused on work. And you know that he'll be able to take care of business and will always have your back.
Sure, he's cocky as hell, but hey, that's cool with me. And he gets away with it.

Now he's replaced by some obscure Israeli. How exciting.


Tangkap Anjing

This is old news.

Did you hear about the dog catching competition in Selayang?
Well, a few geniuses decided that a super cool dog hunting event was just the perfect solution to reduce the number of stray dogs in Selayang.
I don't know how the organisers would monitor or control the manner in which these dogs are to be captured, but I have a feeling that these dogs would be treated rather cruelly.
Unsurprisingly, the SPCA (or those Cruelty Against Animals organisations) immediately launched a protest against this inhumane and somewhat barbaric act.

Khir Toyo also had concerns about this dog catching competition, but apparently he was more worried that the organisers offered too much cash for the winners.



Taken from today's The Star:

KUALA LUMPUR: Retailers selling chicken above the ceiling price are required to produce receipts of their purchase from wholesalers to avoid action, Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Minister Datuk Shafie Mohd Apdal said.

To which my sister responded:

Orang beli ayam mana bagi resit!



Your fiancee gets caught fucking with a 40 year old RTD Director.
And you pay the RM 2000 fine to get her out of jail.
You're an idiot.


Selamat Hari Merdeka!
Parades are cheesy.
Kanak kanak memahaminya ad is cute.


A Sports Update!

The Premiership starts this weekend! Nasib baik aku teringat.

The Reds have bought pretty boy Torres. And they've spent a cool 24 million pounds on him. That's a lot of money. And another bloke named Babel for another 10 million, or so. I hope Rafael knows what he's doing. I like the new look though, Rafael. Macam Ricky Gervais!
I'm not going to make any predictions this season, I just hope we'll tear every single team apart with our devastating, irresistible attacking play. But one thing is for sure, Gerrard will once again shine and save the day, especially during away games at the likes of Derby & Wigan.

Another interesting development is the rivalry between McLaren team mates, Hamilton & Alonso.While everyone expected Hamilton to come good, nobody expected him to be BLOODY good. Championship leader in his first season, a few wins here and there - he's already a legend. I hate him.
I pity Alonso but at the same time I think he should just shut up and get on with it. As a double world champion, being upstaged by your team mate is never a great feeling, and the fact that the team mate is only a rookie just adds salt to your wounds. Still, I expected Alonso to be much more of a gentleman and stop whining about Hamilton getting preferential treatment and shit.



People deal with disappointment in many different ways.
I'll start eating a lot and immediately go to sleep whenever I'm stressed.
But never before talking to the girlfriend first.


You've got style

If you can identify the author of an uncredited article by just reading the text, then you probably know the writer well enough.



I'd like to picture myself as a workaholic.
But ironically, being a workaholic has made me malas.

Is it better to fake happiness or menyusahkan orang lain by being honest?


Gossip Melayu

I'm not a fan of local artis Melayu news but since I AM Malay, I guess I have to care a bit.
Did you hear about the nasty love triangle between Erra, Hans and that nerdy speccy Harry Potter bloke? It's all a big mess I reckon, but I have to say, Erra is quite the PLAYER! She's such a heartbreaker!

I suppose if you think you're so bloody hot, then you can get away with anything.

Hey, I'm not going to get arrested for this, am I?


Happy Days

I had a good day.
On a good day, everything is great. There's no self doubt, and nothing can trouble you. You feel assured.
You become much calmer and you see the bright side of everything. Every single thing you do is fun. And even if you're just lazing around, doing absolutely nothing, you'll still be able to say to yourself, "I may seem like I'm not doing much, but I don't mind. I'm happy and contented."



The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

That's the most quoted part. The full version is this:

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

Bloke: So, do you fancy the girl or what?

Someone else - not me: Yeah. I think I do, actually.

Bloke: And what the hell are you doing about it? Nothing, as usual. You're gonna lose her, you know.

SENM: Hey! I did something. Granted, it wasn't much.. but still, I did put some effort. I'm getting the cold shoulder though. I guess she doesn't fancy me. I really thought she did.

Bloke: What the fuck you're talking about, mate? From what I've seen, you've done zilch. What you need to do, my dear friend, is to be her knight in shining armour and climb up that god damn tower, slay the mother fucking dragon and sweep her off her feet! Yeah, you heard me. SLAY THE FUCKING DRAGON!!!

SENM: Slay the fucking dragon!!! Arrgghhhhh!!!!

Bloke: Damn right.

SENM: But I'm terrified of reptiles.

Really, slay the mother fucking dragons??? Who says that??

P/s: Juan Roman Riquelme is a genius!!


Fuelled by caffeine

Caffeine makes me hyper.
Disclaimer : This post may be emo. And incoherent.
That's because I'm hyper. I'm fuelled by caffeine, damn it!

I spent the last weekend eating a lot of food. With my buddy. Yes, you know who you are, my friend.
We even had a bloody expensive durian. But it was worth it. Isi merah!
I bought 22 DVDs but they were all stolen. Fuck!

And I watched 6 episodes of 24 back to back. Jack Bauer is THE MAN!
Watching too many episodes of 24 however will make you spew things like these:

Run a background check on that guy. He looks hostile.
I need you to check the schematics of this building.
Tell me where the god damn canisters are, NOW!!
Secure the North end, and make sure no one leaves the building.
Patch me through to the President!
Upload the real time satellite images to my PDA.

Jack Bauer is the greatest human being ever. Here's why.

Nicholas Angel from the film Hot Fuzz is a close second. Please, please, please watch it.


Cool, fool!

I always bump into strangers. This is a typical example.

Stranger : Eh.. Todek kan?

Me : (Blank) Ha’ah.

Stranger : Amacam sekarang? Ok?

Me : (Blank)

Stranger : Eh.. takkan tak ingat aku lagi Todek.

Me : (Blank)
: (With a forced smile) Hmm.. cam kenal, tgh confuse ni

Stranger : Ala Todek, buat buat tak kenal plak

Me : (Giving up trying to recall the dude’s name)
: Seriously, aku tak ingat la. Kau sape?

Stranger : (Visibly offended) Aku la. Kuswadinata (bukan nama sebenar)

Me : Ohh.. Kuswadinata. Sorry la, aku tak ingat sangat nama orang.

Stranger : Tapi aku ingat nama kau! (Even more pissed off)

Me : That’s because I’m cool, fool! Hahahahahaha!

Then I get smacked in the head.



Beyonce Malaysia


I tak seksi.

Azwan Ali is fucking gay.

Never mind the bollocks, (you know the rest)

I have the sudden urge to listen to the Sex Pistols.




My phone says "Emergency Only".

Being unreachable by your loved ones is a truly frustrating feeling. You're in despair and the hopelessness of it all is enough to kill your previously cheery mood, and turn you into a restless, agitated prick.

The most fucked up feeling:

Being ripped off and knowing it.

P/s: My entries have become increasingly emotional. I blame it on Liverpool's loss against Milan.


Emotional Bastard

I used to call myself an "Emotional Bastard" whenever I become too emo or fucked up. Or hungry. I get cranky when I'm hungry.


Good Luck

Nervous about the match against Milan. I don't think the miracle of Istanbul could ever happen again. And I really don't want to listen to Shebby's non-sensical bullshit. Pundit, my arse.

I hope Kewell plays. I know he's a bit of a poof (especially when he had the God-awful pony tail) but I have a soft spot for Harry. Just don't play him from the start. He'll break a leg or sprain an ankle or something.

On his day, and they're becoming extremely rare nowadays, Kewell could be mesmerising. He might not have the super lightning quick stepovers ala Ronaldo, but his overall movement, pass and touch just oozes class. And he has a decent left foot too.

Rafa seems to have faith in Kewell. Hope he's right.



I'm just so bloody stupid sometimes.
I say the wrong things at the most inappropriate of times.
I didn't mean what I said but it's hard to convince people otherwise.
I just say things without any thought of how it would make others feel.

I'm really sorry.


I don't mind if I do, actually

I’m not anal or anything, but nothing annoys the fuck out of me than bad spelling in emails. Before that, let’s be clear. There’s wrong spelling and there’s atrociously BAD spelling. Wrong spelling is usually associated with unfamiliar words, and are unintentional, such as misspelling the word “churrigueresco”. I can accept that. Some words are just tricky, and are just bloody difficult to spell; you’re bound to screw up once in a while.

But what’s worse is BAD spelling. I just got an “official” work email which had so many bad spellings that I gave up reading half way. Example: Instead of could this bloke wrote cud, for = 4, thanks = thx, have to = hafta. While this may seem OK in an SMS, it’s quite preposterous to find these words in a proper, business email.

I don’t know why this annoys me so much.

I guess its because I find misspelling simple words unacceptable. I would be embarrassed if my emails were filled with SMS lingo, even more if the emails were sent to outside parties.

And how the fuck can you not spell COULD properly?

Bad grammar – I can slightly tolerate. Nobody has perfect grammar.
Bad spelling – It’s unforgivable.


The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain

ManU : Hey, can I come and play at your house?

MSian : Yeah, sure. I like you.

ManU : But you have to pay me. A lot. Like a million dollars.

MSian : No problem, I don’t mind. I’m a big fan of yours. I watch you play week in, week out. I even have your shirt. A bit overpriced, but what the heck. I love you guys.

ManU : I know you and your friends love us. That’s why we’re coming there. So we could “give” back to the community. And you can buy even more overpriced merchandise. Our American sugar daddies would love that. It’s a huge marketing promotion! Can you imagine how much money we’re getting here?

MSian : I don’t mind. I think you guys are awesome!!

ManU : Oh by the way, a few of the senior blokes can’t come. So we’ll bring our reserve lads instead. But even with the reserve team, I think we'll still be too strong for you. Hahah.

Azalina : Ohh, please please come here and play!! I have no idea about sports, but I don’t care. This’ll promote tourism!

ManU : Fuck tourism. We just want our million quid. Now.

FAM : Hey. You can't come here and play. I’ve already invited our neighbours. We can’t have too many guests here.

MSian : I don't want our less glamorous neighbours!! I want overpaid superstars. They’re much cooler. And who cares about our team anyway? It's not like they're going to win anything.

Azalina : Let MU come. Listen to me. I’m a politician.

PLah : Hmmm.... I like MU. I hope they come. I'm sleepy. Oh well, back to sleep. Zzzz.....


Hobs, hoods, undermount bowl sinks, MDF boards, solid surface...

If these terms seem foreign to you, then obviously you're not ready for a kitchen, my friend.
Designing a kitchen may seem easy to the uninitiated, however, the reality is quite far from it. Kitchen-furnishing is actually a lot of work, and can be tiring at times. There are so many things that you need to consider, particularly in terms of material, style and colour selection, which becomes even more difficult when you have a limited budget that you need to adhere to. It's a bit stressful, I must say.
But at the end of the day, after you've nearly busted your brains figuring out how to fit everything you need into your kitchen AND under do it within your budget, you'll know that all the hard work was worth it. And then you realise that despite all the arduous and taxing work you went through, you actually had a great time and it was kinda fun. You wouldn't mind doing it all over again, but with a much much bigger budget, of course.

I guess I'm an expert now.



I'm doing my taxes right now, and I just realised that I'll end up paying a huge sum of money (by my poor standards) to the government who'll eventually just fuck me all over and use that money to buy votes. And I can't do anything about it. Well, actually I can but that's another story for another day.
At least I know why I'm paying too much and I've learned my lesson. It's just unfortunate that I learnt the lesson a tad too late, and I have to (literally) pay for it.

I've decided that if someone would ever play me in a film, it would be John Cusack. He's cool in my books.



How does it feel to think that you're important, significant, crucial relative to others, only to find out that you're just as dispensable as the rest? Quite depressing, I guess.
Being more important than the next person implies that you're better than him, and being better than others makes you feel good. Your ego is boosted tremendously and a sudden surge of confidence flows through you.
However, you come crashing back down to Earth when you discover that, really, you're not that special after all.


How is allocating money (that you suddenly have) for an urgent road paving job weeks before an election not considered vote buying?
How do expect the opposition (who has significantly less financial resources than you do) to compete with that?

I may be shallow, but even I know that this is just a load of bollocks.


Dewan Negara

I couldn't stop laughing when I read that the Deputy Minister in the Prime Minister's Department had to actually defend the Perodua Kelisa, defiantly insisting that it is indeed a quality car, in the Dewan Rakyat, no less. All of this nonsense was in reply to an innocuous (to me, at least) comment by Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear fame, who commented that "This (the Perodua Kelisa) is without doubt the worst car, not just in its category but in the world".
He (Deputy Minister) then added that Clarkson was a magazine columnist who not only criticised Kelisa but also other established cars such as the Lamborghini.

Dude. Chill la. Lepak aa, brader.
Typical of how of "leaders" totally over-react to something completely insignificant.
Can't we just laugh at ourselves, for once?


NY Resolution Review

I'm definitely missing the F1 in Sepang this year. Another New Year's resolution goes unaccomplished.
I knew I won't be able to make it to the race this year, so that was why I went to the test sessions instead. It was scorching hot and unbelievably loud when I went there (2nd day of the test session), and quite honestly it was a bit boring. But I had fun though, acting like the super geek that I am, TIMING every bloody lap Kubica, Kimi & Hamilton did, using my good old analogue watch that didn't even have a timer function.

Anyways, looking back at my 2007 resolution, I think overall, I'm not doing THAT bad.
Some have been accomplished, while there's also a few that don't even look like they'll be attempted, never mind being completed.
But hey, there's still another 9 months to go.


Guilty Pleasures

I am now listening to Gin Blossoms! One of the best guilty pleasures ever. How can "'Till I hear it from you" not remind you of Empire Records? Its so '90s.


Well, here's an observation to ponder upon:

The more you promote things to me, the more unappealing it becomes. In short, the best way to sell me stuff is by not telling me about it. Weird? It works for me.

Digi has ads everywhere. I can't read a newspaper without coming across a Digi ad, nor can I watch TV without having to put up with a Digi ad. Digi always seem to have something that they'd like to promote - either cheap call rates, wide coverage, colourful SMS, funky ringtones, whatever. They even had people dress up as yellow aliens for God's sake, all in the name of marketing. To me, it's overkill and really bloody annoying. They try too hard.
Thats why I use Maxis. They don't try to shove everything right up my arse.

Another example would be Toyota and Honda ads. While not as annoying as Digi, they tend to appear in the papers quite a lot too. In any case, the ads are usually dull and uninteresting, and most irritating is that sometimes they don't even promote the car at all, advertising the fact that you get 1.7652% (or something like that) interest rate instead. What the fuck? Again, trying a bit too hard.
That's why I'd probably buy a Mazda. Still Japanese, but they don't seem as desperate.

Sounds kinda stupid, but apparently I choose services and purchase products out of spite.
Bodoh jugak la sebenarnya.



This blog has been around for over 2 years!! Wow. Probably one of my longest commitments, ever!
And to commemorate my 2 year anniversary, I decided to go through and re-read all of my posts, starting with the very first one, dated 19/3/05.

The early posts were embarrassingly juvenile. Thankfully, it improved and became a bit more intelligent and mature over time. And (I think) it became genuinely hilarious too. I particularly am proud of my "dialogue" sessions that occasionally appeared in my blog. I really think that those posts were quite good, if not excellent. Haha.

Anyways, I've also realised that my recent posts aren't anywhere as good or even funny as my previous ones. Maybe it's because I don't watch a lot of TV anymore (most of my posts are based on my experiences watching TV) or maybe I've become a dull person suddenly or maybe I just don't think enough nowadays, I don't know. And the thought of that is quite disturbing, really.

No one knew where the line Here's looking at you, kid is taken from.
I'd still like to have Fell in Love with a Girl played.


A Sports Update

Formula 1 season is back. Kimi won the race in Melbourne on his Ferrari debut, and Hamilton impressed with an excellent podium finish. As for my BMWs, Heidfeld did well to get 4th, although I expected at least third, while Kubica was unlucky to retire early.
And apparently Singapore wants a race too. Fuck off. No way. Just imagine how it would affect the crowd turnout in Sepang if this goes ahead.

Liverpool, despite being in the quarter finals of the Champions League, look very ordinary lately. The last match against Aston Villa was absolutely dreadful. Need to improve, lads.

Malaysia's Olympic team were beaten at home by Japan, as expected. Never really thought we'd win, but I stayed on and watched the game until the end, enduring the frustratingly inconsistent showing by our boys. But at least our solitary goal was well taken.

And my third football team, Kedah, is doing really well in both the league and Malaysia Cup competitions. I really rate this team highly and what's more impressive is the fact that they have so many youngsters playing.

Didn't really have the chance to watch the Six Nations properly. So, no comment.

Ditto for the cricket. Apparently Astro is charging a fortune to subscribe to the Pay per Views. Damn.


To be or Not to be

A wise person once told me this:

It's one thing to be gay, but it's another thing to APPEAR to be gay.

I still think about these words occasionally, wondering what exactly does it mean.
It sounds very obvious, but in fact, I think its quite deep, really.
Hmm.. very intriguing, this.

More worryingly, of course, is the fact that it was subtly pointed (I think) at me.
But let's not talk about that.



Why do people in epic warrior gladiator movies (Gladiator, Troy) or fantasy films (Lord of the Rings) ALWAYS have British accents?


I hate it when I'm unwell. I'm miserable, self-conscious and weak.
And I become impatient when I'm ill. I resort to overdosing my meds in the hope of getting better quickly.

That's not good.


Top Ten Reasons Why I’m NOT a Good Catch

And here's my self-deprecating list of why I'm such a horrible catch.

1. I'm not a "people" person

2. I hate overly friendly strangers

3. I don't know how to play pool

4. I take the piss of everything

5. I swear

6. I'm moody

7. I mock people

8. I don't eat my veggies (and utterly despise any form of salad)

9. Sometimes, I read gossip magazines (My sister's, I swear!)

10. I know next to nothing about computers, gadgets, gizmos, cars, etc.


Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm a Good Catch

I thought I might just get away with this very tongue-in-cheek list. But just in case I don’t, I think I’ve practiced my stony, emotionless expression well enough to face the endless (future) mocking by my mates. I’m well prepared.

So, here it goes…

1. I’m a decent looking, well mannered, soft spoken, respectful bloke.

2. I have a cynical sense of humour.

3. I’m cheeky.

4. I take the piss of everything

5. I have an impeccable taste in music.

6. I’m never drunk.

7. I know a LOT about sports. A self proclaimed expert, as a matter of fact

8. I read.

9. I like shopping.

10. I like ikan keli and seri muka (believe me, this IS a legitimate reason!)


Ba Ba Ba

I am hopelessly in love with the following girls, for various and different reasons.

Julia Stiles
Claire Danes
Keira Knightley

See a trend?
I don't know.



It's becoming increasingly annoying when every time uncles. aunts, grandparents, granduncles, grandaunts - relatives.. come and visit, they will inevitably turn to me and ask the dreaded question : Bila nak kahwin?

And even more irritating is that my mum's eyes would immediately light up upon hearing this, and she'd wait intently for my reply - seizing the opportunity, letting the distant relatives do the dirty work of asking the awkward question.
My standard answer would be : Ntah. I don't know. Tak tau la. And honestly, that IS the truth.

But lately, the relatives have become more persistent and hard to please. I've been bombarded with the same question over and over again - my standard, non-committal answer is no longer deemed good enough for them. And their flawed logic is probably something like this : Ask the same question over and over and over long enough - you'll get the right answer.

Obviously, I've grown tired of all this. So I decided to be a bit creative in replying them. Now, every time someone asks me "Bila nak kahwin?", my answer would be one of the following:

1. Why? You want to pay for it ke?
2. Esok.
3. Lepas Rancangan Malaysia ke-9.
4. Is that a trick question?

5. When Schumacher makes a comeback.
6. That's a good question. Can I get back to you later?
7. Ask my mother.

I usually get confused looks from them upon hearing my reply. I'm not being kurang ajar or anything, it's just a little bit of fun - messing with people's head. It's probably not THAT funny pun and maybe syok sendiri je.


Swing when you're winning!

Scene - Posh hotel corridor.

MS : Excuse me, Mr Craigg Belami - where do you think you're going with that golf club, mate?

CB : Erm hmm... nowhere. Thought I'd go to the driving range for a while. Cheers mate. Later. (Begins to walk away)

MS : Driving range? At 2 AM? Are you sure you're not going to beat up a certain Johnny Reese with that club?

CB : Oi, if I wanted to bash someone up I'd brought my big arse driver, not this tiny putter, wanker! And no, I'm not going to smack the hell out of Reese. At least not tonight. (Grinning) Who the fuck are you by the way?

MS : I am the infamous Mat Skodeng, Skoding - if you read the Star! And I'm here to skodeng your ass, bro! In fact, I've been skodeng-ing your ass for a while, Belami. I saw you getting pissed at the karaoke bar just now.

CB : Pissed as in drunk? Hell yeah I was. Probably still am.

MS : No, fool. Pissed as in getting unbelievably psycho at Johnny boy. All that just because he didn't want to play along with your American Idol karaoke sing-song bullshit.

CB : Fuck that man. He totally spoiled the whole session. I'm gonna get back at him for this.

MS : Hence the clubs?

CB : No, as I said - driving range. Aren't you supposed to have a sound religious character to be a Mat Skodeng?

MS : Of course

CB : Then why were you at the bar, mate?

MS : I don't need to answer that. Fuck you.

CB : You don't get paid to do this, do you?

MS : Not really.

CB : Dude, you're a loser.

MS : Yeah, I suppose.

CB : But, hey... really, why do you even care if I beat up Reese?

MS : I don't know. I am a Moral Police. I need to curb all these immoral activities.

CB : Mind your own business. That's my advice. And go away before I smack YOU in the head. Go back to Terengganu, or wherever that is you're from!

MS : (Retreating, and starting to walk away) Belami, you may win the battle this time, but I'll be back - with my fellow Mat Skodings and I'll bring my whole golf set next time.



I like rain. And I'm not talking about some Korean bloke who prances around in military style camo gear, although I've been told that he does have some nifty dance moves. Hah.

I like rain, real rain - water dropping from the sky, kind of rain.
Especially on a lazy, non-working Monday morning, while I sit reading on my bed, leaning against the wall, semi-covered under my quilt, with a mug of hot coffee on the bedside table. Nothing on the stereo, just the sound of water trickling onto the roof and the occasional fresh breeze through my partially open window.
Absolute bliss.

I like rain.

Salmon - Without the L

A good love story/movie MUST have some sort of tragedy, because without it, it will be... NOTHING.
I mean, if we had two people fall in love with each other and they lived happily ever after and it ends there, that wouldn't be much of a tale, would it?
It needs some conflict and the occasional heart breaker - a disapproving family, difference in social class, war, missed chances, wrong place at the wrong time - to make it a great love story.


Funny - but I don't know why

I attended a safety / health briefing recently. This particular session focused on choking, and how to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. Standing in front was our Medic, enthusiastically explaining the details of how to save a choke victim to a crowd made of a mix of the young & old; with varying degrees of working (and life) experience between them. And invariably, there'll always be a few cheeky geezers among the 30-odd crowd.

After the Medic had explained in theory how to perform the Heimlich, he then demonstrated the proper methods on a volunteer picked from the audience.

Medic : Approach the choke victim from behind, and quickly wrap your arms around his belly. Interlock your fingers, and start pulling upwards. Make sure you tarik kuat-kuat, so that whatever's choking the person would be dislodged. Sounds simple, but you kena ensure that tarik tu mesti mau kuat. Mungkin kena try 2-3 kali baru kita dapat keluarkan benda dari tekak dia.

Cheeky Geezer (50++ years old) : Kalau victim tu perempuan? (Grinning)

Medic : (Realising that cheeky geezer is taking the piss) Kalau perempuan, sama saja. Tapi kena jaga-jaga sikit la kot, especially masa nak tarik tu. Of course, there might be some "accidental" brushing against the chest, tapi nak buat macam mana kan? Haha. Nak selamatkan orang, terpaksa la..

At this point, everyone starts to laugh.

Medic : Any more questions?

Cheeky Geezer (in a serious tone) : Kalau Benggali macam mana pulak?

Medic : (BLANK)

I found the whole scene utterly hilarious. I was laughing out loud.
Maybe its the word Benggali or maybe its the absurdity of the question, I don't really know what made it funny.


Which is the best buy?

Let's say I decide to buy a new car. And I'm only going to use it for city driving, around KL mostly. There are 3 models that I'm considering, and I need some advice on which one would be the best. So, between Savvy, Myvi & Kelisa which would you recommend?

How do you rate each car in terms of:
1. Performance
2. Looks
3. Price
4. Handling
5. Fuel Efficiency
6. Which one is the most fun to drive?

and anything else you can think of.
Any good/bad experience with any of the models?


It seemed like a good idea

The new reality TV series on Astro - Raja Lawak is a bad, bad idea. Horrendous.
I have a few issues with this show. As always.

Firstly, stand-up comedy in Malay is nearly impossible to pull off. I don't know why, but it just can't be done. I've seen enough of the show to know that the stand up that they (Raja Lawak hopefuls) do aren't funny at all, in fact it comes across as stupid and annoying. It's that bad. So there goes the hopes of unearthing the next Seinfeld Melayu.

Secondly, how exactly do you train a comedian? Do they coach them to make jokes? Or teach them how to be funny?

Thirdly, what the hell are the judges doing? Why even have judges in the first place? Dah la judge pun bukannye kelakar sangat.

To be a successful Malay comedian, you just need to know how to make funny sounds or voices (ala Lan Pet Pet or Jamali Shadat), be a spaz (like everyone else) or do slapstick shit. That's all.
Don't even bother writing a stand up monologue.


Buy a Vowel

I have a T-shirt. It says:

G_ F_ck Y_ _rself
Want to buy a vowel?

I rarely wear this shirt, as every time I contemplate doing so, my conscience kicks in and spoils all the fun.



And oh, I've just realised that my post "Lyrics" is a bit ironic.
10 bucks (or coffee) to the first person who can tell me why.
You need to be a bit clever to know this.


I don’t use a lot of big words because frankly, I don’t know many. I attribute this chagrin to my lack of enthusiasm to look up a dictionary whenever I encounter an “unknown” word. I mean, really, that’s not even practical sometimes, especially when you’re reading newspaper articles. Plus, dictionaries are big and bulky, and I don’t keep them it conveniently retrievable places. I’ve only just realised how wasteful that is.

So now, with renewed vigour to improve my vocabulary, I’ve installed an electronic dictionary software on my PC. Hopefully I’ll be a bit more inclined to use it.



I’m glad that I’ve never had to resort to the typical blog cliché of posting lyrics. No offense, but I find that rather useless, as if posting the words to some sappy song (and it’s ALWAYS a sappy, semi-pathetic tune) would somehow enable readers to empathise. I find that preposterous. Yet, about a gazillion blogs that I’ve read had at one point or another resorted to the “let’s put the words to this James Blunt song, so everyone will understand how wretched I am now” approach in expressing their misery. And I guess that’s typical of anyone in a “jiwang” mode. Every single bloody sad tune would somehow relate to you.



Do you know who Sam Micheal is?

He’s the Technical Director (or something equivalent) of the Williams F1 team. He’s probably around 30+. And more importantly, he’s a fellow UNSW graduate. A-ha!

While I’m not someone who usually harps about my alma mater (come to think of it, I usually AVOID talking about my schools), I still feel a bit proud that a fellow engineering graduate (albeit several years apart) managed to make it big in Formula One. This is an especially remarkable achievement considering that the F1 racing environment is so incredibly technical and exorbitantly demanding.

Well done, Sam. You’re my hero!

I guess it goes to show that we’re not THAT hopeless after all.

P/s: The new BMW F1.07 looks awesome, I'm sure there's heaps of subtle aero changes all over. Need a closer look to know for sure. The blue-white colour scheme is still the classiest in F1.


I've got news

Why, in a situation where both good and bad news need to be delivered at the same time, people would choose to break the good news first, followed by the bad?

Isn't that just making someone feel better for a short while only to destroy their hopes seconds later?

Why isn't it the other way around?



Getting stuffed by a bunch of French kids is beyond humiliating.
Sorry Benitez, your time's up.


A Football Post

I may have mentioned it somewhere in here that I rate 2 under-appreciated, non-Liverpool players playing in the Premiership - Tugay & Van Persie. And over the past few games, they've put impressive performances that I feel, have proven that they are genuinely class players. Van Persie, especially, has been absolutely amazing, scoring a hatful of goals, most of them being true gems. And he makes it look bloody easy.

Tugay is old, but he's cool with me though he's a bit unfortunate to have the name tu-GAY. Still, he bossed the midfield against the Reds, showing Gerrard & Alonso how it should be done. Damn you Tugay.

And speaking of the Reds, apart from the disastrous outing at Blackburn, we're doing alright, I guess. Crouch still needs to learn how to head properly, Gonzalez needs a huge kick in the arse for being such a complete waste of space, Alonso needs to be not so lembik, and Riise, as always, needs to realise he can use his right foot too.


Budak Zaman Sekarang

Apparently, there's an indie movie (well, as indie as you can get in Malaya) entitled "Budak-budak Zaman Sekarang". Or maybe its called "Haru Biru". I don't remember. But I recall reading the phrase "Budak-budak Zaman Sekarang" somewhere on a movie poster.

Anyways, talking about "zaman sekarang", isn't it absurd that children nowadays have a very poor standard of cartoon series to enjoy on a Saturday morning? Honestly, today's cartoons aren't the way they used to be. And these poor sods don't even know what they're missing. I pity them.

We used to have GREAT cartoons like Thundercats, Voltron, Macross, Transformers and bla bla bla. Now we have bullshit like Jackie Chan Kung Fu Dragon and Utaru Go Kindeki Asauro Japanese anime turd. And even though they still have Transformers, it's now a version thats so completely different from the original series its just embarrassing. The new version doesn't have Soundwave, who's got the best voice EVER!

I tried questioning my 10 year old cousin on his cartoon knowledge.

Me : Pernah tengok Thundercats tak?
Cousin : Hah? Tak tau.
Me : Voltron?
Cousin : Apa tu?
Me : Habis tu kau tengok cartoon ape?
Cousin : Mon-Colle Knights.
Me : What the fuck?